Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
You Might Also Like
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.