“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
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My first son he is wonderful
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
The 6 types of sex
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards