Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
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Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
#gardening
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I can’t stop laughing at this
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
My kitchen overserved me.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.