Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
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My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
“Why you watching this shit?”
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”