@954LeenO

Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

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@david8hughes

Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym

@msevilroyslade

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

@BelleIsAMom

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

@slimmy_shady

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

@donni

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

@slimmy_shady

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

@IamEnidColeslaw

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

@ozzyunc

When you stub your toe but there are kids around.

@Love_bug1016

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.