Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.

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Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym


Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.


Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.


Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.


Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!


Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.


There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above


When you stub your toe but there are kids around.


When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.