Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
You Might Also Like
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many