Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
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I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.