Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
🤣🤣🤣
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar