Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
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Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Cat is stressing him out.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me