Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
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My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns