Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
You Might Also Like
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.