Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
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He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.