don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
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my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.