Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
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If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Worst bar ever.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
channeling her this year
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw