Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
“That’s what” – She
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul