Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.


Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.


Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?


If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz


To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?


Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?



“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]


Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions


me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year


If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.