@pauleggleston

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

You Might Also Like

@Tmoney68

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.

@ozzyunc

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

@murrman5

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

@badbrain1367

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

@blairgarner

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

@Jenny4ashley

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

@huntigula

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

@mommeh_dearest

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

@perlhack

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

@BoomBoomBetty

If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.