@Tmoney68 Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
@pauleggleston Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
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@Tmoney68 
@ozzyunc Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
@murrman5 Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
@badbrain1367 If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
@blairgarner To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
@Jenny4ashley Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
@huntigula “Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
@mommeh_dearest Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
@perlhack me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
@BoomBoomBetty If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.