Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
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People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world