Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
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“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
this chia pet tastes awful
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share