Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
need him
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
What personal space?
My dog
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos