Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
You Might Also Like
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
The dark side of Canada
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
All excellent questions
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.