Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
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(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
the #horror is real!
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.