Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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this is so top tier i cant
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Jail
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well