Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
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From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.