don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
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Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Rather alarming headline…
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable