Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
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“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
How about daylight saves us for once
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.