Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures