Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
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Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
When ur friends with white people
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
My boss called in sick of me
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?