Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

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What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?



We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.


*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*


“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”


Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.



HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.


I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.


I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.


Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?