@abbycohenwl

Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading

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@TheBoydP

What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?

Amateur

@mahnamematt

We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.

@BlondeCalamity

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

@Dakota_Conduct

“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”

@_Water_Baby

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

@dafloydsta

[date]

HER: Do you want to have children?

ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.

@iinkedZombie

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

@thepaulasuzanne

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

@PJTLynch

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?