Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”