“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
i dont have time for this
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok