don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

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Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn


Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.


X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…


Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.


75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy


Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?


Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.


WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?


After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.


I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket