Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
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Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
all bases covered
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.