Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
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(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti