Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
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What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Whoa 😂
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself