“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
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No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
What about second breakfast?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
they really do be looking like this
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that