don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???