Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
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Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Seems a bit forward
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99