Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
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Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*