Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
You Might Also Like
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍