Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
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A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Twitter fine art