Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
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Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.