My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
You Might Also Like
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
The morning after pill, but for tweets
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter