Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
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If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.