DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
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If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Lmao 🤣
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive