Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
You Might Also Like
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
moms in horror movies
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute