Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Genius.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)