Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
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Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
when mom throws a party…
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”