Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION