Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
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[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Livid.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.