Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
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My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare![]()
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
The booster protects against what, now?
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Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.