Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
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definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.