Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien

Realize this:

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

[putting on wedding dress]

me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake

maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!

Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!

Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.