Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!

FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?

ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.

Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.

The booster protects against what, now?

Receptionist: the doctor can see you now

invisible man who’s also blind: who said that

receptionist: who said that

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

Did you know?

A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.

And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.

ME, 10: I want a big mansion

ME, 20: I want a cool apartment

ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest

I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.