Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
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They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot