Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
You Might Also Like
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house